One of the smartest things church leaders can do is have exit interviews with people who leave the church. If we can just get our ego out of the way, our hurt feelings, and our pride, we might learn some very useful lessons. I am not aware of any church that conducts exit interviews, but I may be wrong. (Please let me know if you are aware of any.) And I mean a proper exit interview, documented in an HR context, not just a casual chat.
The narrative we may concoct, that people who leave the fellowship are bitter, lost, or in sin no longer carries any weight. In fact, most who leave the church still love God, are spiritual, and have a good reason to walk away from their faith community.
No one makes that decision lightly. It usually takes months of agonizing prayer and soul searching. Sure, some people leave because they want to sin and don’t care about God. My experience is that this is a small minority—and especially in the last few years, as we have seen an exodus of people from evangelical churches.
When I left my last job with a para-church organization, I asked for an exit interview, and I was given one. The interview went very well. It was cordial and professional. I felt heard. What the organization or church does with my information is up to them, but at least there was closure, and I appreciate that. Everyone should be given that opportunity.
I must say I have learned so much from people who have left the church. Is it uncomfortable sometimes? You bet! I am not saying we need to subject ourselves to insults and bullying by angry ex-members. We do need to have boundaries. But an honest discussion can be very enlightening. And most people are very kind.
Why do people leave? Usually, from what I have gathered, people leave because they felt controlled and micromanaged, they were mistreated, they are disillusioned by the lack of action regarding abuse (including sexual abuse), they want more community engagement, they bristle at the lack of care for minorities and oppressed communities, they don’t want to be told whom to date or not to date, they don’t believe in an overly narrow doctrine of the “inerrancy of the Bible," and so on.
When people have come to me and mentioned the ways I had made them feel unloved or even abused in the church, it has been life-changing for me. Was it painful? Of course, it was. But I have to separate my ego from a life of discipleship. We always talk about how we have to grow and learn. What a perfect opportunity!
For those of us who claim to be Christians, it is a good idea to stay on friendly terms with people who have left the church. The last thing we want is to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths about Christianity, on top of their already existing concerns. It doesn’t mean they have to come back to our church; it just means they are free to explore their faith, without additional trauma.
No matter what, we are called to be kind and respectful. Ephesians 4:32 reads, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
—Nadine Templer (2025)
